So for the last three weeks I have been at home, on my sofa with a heating pad under my ass and a pile of pills next to me on the end table. Sometimes I sat comfortably, sometimes I tossed and turned and winced in pain. A side from the enormous amount of quilt I have felt for not being able to work, I have done nothing, but let me back up a little.
I have always been blessed to be mostly healthy. My Dr. actually says I am the most healthy unhealthy person she knows and she says that as a compliment. While I may be… middle aged, I also eat too much, drink too much and of course dont exercise enough, ok at all. Yet, as each physical comes and goes I have had nothing more than a slightly high cholesterol number. And physically, while my 3’B’s (boobs, belly and butt) have all gotten bigger I joke that I am still pretty bendy and can do the splits as well as sit lotus position and bend over and touch the ground. My doctor (and my husband) are amused by this by the way.
Then a couple of Tuesdays ago at work I got knot in my back. I chalked it up to not getting up and walking around enough. I had been working on a big project and was doing a lot of sitting. By the time I got home from work the knot had gotten worse, but I still saw no reason for concern and thought a good hot bath was in order to get rid of it. I took the bath, but when I went to get out of the tub something wasn’t right. I had a sharp pain that ran down my left side from above my hip down to me knee. The pain was bad and it felt like I had pulled a tendon or something. I told my husband about it and made a joke that I got old while I was in the bath tub. He, also made a joke and suggested the heating pad.
The pain for the next several days and nights was unbearable, and several nights I cried myself to sleep sitting up in my recliner. My Doctor thought that I had either a bulging disc or something with my hip, she gave me some strong drugs and some exercises to do that should alleviate the pain in a few days. After a couple more days the pain was worse and the drugs were not helping. I counted the minutes until I could take more drugs. There were several times I would reach for my prescription shaking in pain, and trembling with anxiousness. I looked at the drugs like they were the only thing keeping me alive, that if not for them I would fall hopelessly in pile of pain and spasms unable to move or breath. My brain tricked me into thinking that it was ok to take 3 or 4 pills instead of just the 2, and hours were counted by rounding down instead of an actual 4 hour time frame. My goal at night seemed to be to see how many pills I could take that would allow me to sleep, but still allow me to wake up, only to then do it all over again.
By grace of god what I was doing was, sort of, working. I started to sleep in 3 or 4 hour sections, something I had not done since the pain first started. In the morning, if only for a short time, I felt like the pain was lessening. Still, I hadn’t taken a shower, walked up stairs, or left the house. I just sat, and sat, and sat some more. My doctor decided it was time for a MRI, and scheduled one for in a few days(fingers crossed for good results).
The pain, Ironically, has changed substantially since it first started a couple of weeks ago. No longer is the pain in my hip shooting down the outside of my leg toward my knee. Now, most of the pain starts about 4 inches above my knee and goes down to my knee. It has also moved to the front of my leg instead off the side like before. I still have a slight pain in the hip area, but it is nowhere near where it was in the beginning. How I take the pain pills has changed too. I took so many during the first few days that now I find myself rationing them to ensure they last until I dont need them anymore or can get more. I guess it depends on the results of the MRI, but either way I am thinking way to much about taking these pills. I am also expecting miracles by the way from the MRI, as if the act of actually having the MRI will actually heal me. Most of my brain knows that wont happen that way, but a small part wishes it would.
Middle age sucks. I am no longer that person that is “bendy” and didn’t have any aches and pains that I needed to worry about. Suddenly I have to think about how I will be able to get up if I sit some place. I have to think about how I go downstairs carrying a full load of laundry and the dog running around my feet. I guess I have to face the facts, I’m not young anymore and my body it telling me the same. It sucks for sure even though I understand that it is part of life. Is this the point in my life where I start wearing New Balance dad shoes and start drinking tea? Am I destine for mom jeans and carrying a tissue stuffed up my sweater sleeve? Ok, I’m not at that point yet, and I can still fight it for awhile right? Well, for as long as my back holds out I guess.