Tag Archives: middle age

Pain, Pain, go away…

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So for the last three weeks I have been at home, on my sofa with a heating pad under my ass and a pile of pills next to me on the end table. Sometimes I sat comfortably, sometimes I tossed and turned and winced in pain. A side from the enormous amount of quilt I have felt for not being able to work, I have done nothing, but let me back up a little.

I have always been blessed to be mostly healthy. My Dr. actually says I am the most healthy unhealthy person she knows and she says that as a compliment. While I may be… middle aged, I also eat too much, drink too much and of course dont exercise enough, ok at all. Yet, as each physical comes and goes I have had nothing more than a slightly high cholesterol number. And physically, while my 3’B’s (boobs, belly and butt) have all gotten bigger I joke that I am still pretty bendy and can do the splits as well as sit lotus position and bend over and touch the ground. My doctor (and my husband) are amused by this by the way.

Then a couple of Tuesdays ago at work I got knot in my back. I chalked it up to not getting up and walking around enough. I had been working on a big project and was doing a lot of sitting. By the time I got home from work the knot had gotten worse, but I still saw no reason for concern and thought a good hot bath was in order to get rid of it. I took the bath, but when I went to get out of the tub something wasn’t right. I had a sharp pain that ran down my left side from above my hip down to me knee. The pain was bad and it felt like I had pulled a tendon or something. I told my husband about it and made a joke that I got old while I was in the bath tub. He, also made a joke and suggested the heating pad.

The pain for the next several days and nights was unbearable, and several nights I cried myself to sleep sitting up in my recliner. My Doctor thought that I had either a bulging disc or something with my hip, she gave me some strong drugs and some exercises to do that should alleviate the pain in a few days. After a couple more days the pain was worse and the drugs were not helping. I counted the minutes until I could take more drugs. There were several times I would reach for my prescription shaking in pain, and trembling with anxiousness. I looked at the drugs like they were the only thing keeping me alive, that if not for them I would fall hopelessly in pile of pain and spasms unable to move or breath. My brain tricked me into thinking that it was ok to take 3 or 4 pills instead of just the 2, and hours were counted by rounding down instead of an actual 4 hour time frame. My goal at night seemed to be to see how many pills I could take that would allow me to sleep, but still allow me to wake up, only to then do it all over again.

By grace of god what I was doing was, sort of, working. I started to sleep in 3 or 4 hour sections, something I had not done since the pain first started. In the morning, if only for a short time, I felt like the pain was lessening. Still, I hadn’t taken a shower, walked up stairs, or left the house. I just sat, and sat, and sat some more. My doctor decided it was time for a MRI, and scheduled one for in a few days(fingers crossed for good results).

The pain, Ironically, has changed substantially since it first started a couple of weeks ago. No longer is the pain in my hip shooting down the outside of my leg toward my knee. Now, most of the pain starts about 4 inches above my knee and goes down to my knee. It has also moved to the front of my leg instead off the side like before. I still have a slight pain in the hip area, but it is nowhere near where it was in the beginning. How I take the pain pills has changed too. I took so many during the first few days that now I find myself rationing them to ensure they last until I dont need them anymore or can get more. I guess it depends on the results of the MRI, but either way I am thinking way to much about taking these pills. I am also expecting miracles by the way from the MRI, as if the act of actually having the MRI will actually heal me. Most of my brain knows that wont happen that way, but a small part wishes it would.

Middle age sucks. I am no longer that person that is “bendy” and didn’t have any aches and pains that I needed to worry about. Suddenly I have to think about how I will be able to get up if I sit some place. I have to think about how I go downstairs carrying a full load of laundry and the dog running around my feet. I guess I have to face the facts, I’m not young anymore and my body it telling me the same. It sucks for sure even though I understand that it is part of life. Is this the point in my life where I start wearing New Balance dad shoes and start drinking tea? Am I destine for mom jeans and carrying a tissue stuffed up my sweater sleeve? Ok, I’m not at that point yet, and I can still fight it for awhile right? Well, for as long as my back holds out I guess.

Drugs man…

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As far as being an adult goes I would say I am about 75% responsible. I do things that adults should do. I keep my house clean (mostly), I pay my bills on time, I have regular doctor visits, etc. Most, ok all, these tasks suck big time, but I do them because I’m a grown ass person and that is what grownups do. Moms especially have a lot of things that they have to do because they are an adult. Sorry dads, you do lots of things too, but the tasks are not evenly distributed and you know it.

Through the years I have been blessed with being healthy. No surgeries, no crazy health issues etc. I do however have high Cholesterol and a bad case of adult A.D.D. both of which I take prescriptions for. I am lucky and blessed that these are my only two health issues as someone…well middle aged. Both issues are very easily manageable with medication although lets be honest, I probably would not take the Cholesterol medication if I didn’t HAVE take the A.D.D. medication. Like many health issues I dont feel like I have a cholesterol issue. If I take the medication or dont, I feel exactly the same way. So, I often think to myself that I can skip it today or if I run out of the prescription I think about filling it when it is convenient for me to do so and not when I a have none left to take.

My A.D.D. is a different story however. I know when I have forgotten to take this medicine and my friends can tell also. I have many times been hanging out with my friends and one of them will say “Did you forget to take your pill today?” It usually happens during conversation, I will say something and forget what I am saying right in the middle of a sentence. It isn’t just a simple “squirrel” moment where you pause for a moment and then carry on with the sentence. It’s a bigger lost my place mid sentence, totally cant remember what I was saying and I doesn’t come back moment. Sometimes I say a word that is not related to the topic and doesn’t even belong in the sentence at all. Sometimes its retention things. You can tell me something but I wont remember it. It affects me at work the most and so, I never ever want to go to work without taking my A.D.D. medicine… ever

Like all prescriptions they run out, usually a 30 day supply, then refills. Every month I look at my drugs and think to myself that 3 days or so before I run out of them I will call the pharmacy to get a refill. Sometimes that days comes and I’m running late for work so I forget to call in the refill. Sometimes I take the bottle to work so that I can call in the RX at a slow moment at work. Honestly, usually I still forget or feel guilty for taking the time at work to do a non-work related task. Often when that happens I either leave them at work thinking I will call the next day, but then feel guilty again. Or bring them home with me, but forget them in the car so nothing gets accomplished then either. Really you wouldn’t think calling in a prescription would be so complicated. Maybe, ironically, my A.D.D. complicates the tasks purely because of the ironic memory tasks involved. Maybe I subconsciously dont want to be that grown ass adult that does things on time strictly because I’m a grown ass adult. Maybe I dont prioritize my mental and physical health enough to warrant getting the prescription refilled on time.

Regardless, its the same thing every month. Notice I’m running low on the prescription. Take 2 or 3 days of saying I’m going get it filled, followed by finally getting it filled on the last day, or sometimes a day or two after I have run out even. Then, of course me saying that next month I’m not going to procrastinate so much and not wait till the last minute to get them refilled. It goes on and on. I do feel like I am not the only one to do this right? Other adults have tasks that, for whatever reason, they dont like to do? I cannot be the only one? My husband always get his prescriptions filled on time and even a day or two ahead of time (the bastard, LOL). His issue is getting gas in his truck. He drives his truck with the needs gas indicator light on for days, Good thing his truck (evidently) drives on fumes. I have a friend that hates folding laundry and often will just re-wash an old load to get the wrinkles out before they fold it. If I made a list of things adults put off I’m sure it would be long, and I would have more than one task on it. I would say that I will work on becoming 100% adult at completing all tasks, but honestly I dont think I want to work that hard, so 75% grown ass adult is fine with me.

It happened anyway!

When I got married and had kids I knew I didn’t want to be THAT parent. The one yelling about everything and constantly complaining about having to “Pick up after you kids”. The one where my kids were afraid to do anything for fear of making a mess, so they just sit on the couch watching TV and doing nothing.

With this pandemic I have been vigorously cleaning the house, not just of the mess, but of the “clean mess” that we all accumulate after years and years. Room by room, going through and tossing out almost everything, and for whats left finding it’s correct place. I have to admit is feels good to have a clean home and it is nice to walk into a room and not have to step around or over anything rationalizing that its a “clean mess”.

Today, after a quick cleaning of my kitchen after breakfast, I sat down to enjoy a cup of coffee. It seemed, if only for a moment, calm. When finished I got up to bring the cup into the kitchen, and then it happened… I turned into my mom! Perhaps I’m tired of all this shelter in place stuff, or perhaps it is something that physically happens as you reach middle age, I became my mom. One glass, one clean glass, left on the counter, is all it took to remind myself that I had become the one thing I didn’t want to become. I wanted to yell “Who did this!”, “why did you put this there!” I didn’t because that would mean I had become my parents, and I thought I was’t that kind of parent.

Ladies, at what age did you discover you were like your mother? or father? Is it that I fought it for so long that I let my guard down and it snuck up on me like the fat did on my ass? Can you stop it from happening? I had a good life growing up, dont get me wrong….. But seriously am I going to start wearing an apron and carrying around a duster? While I ponder this I’m going to have a glass of wine (or bottle) and look for someone to yell “Don’t make me get up!” too.