Tag Archives: poop

Pick a peck of (dog) poop!

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

For a lot of people, me included, this is our favorite time of the year. The snow is melting, trees are budding and when I went to I drive to work this morning it was even a little lighter than normal outside. These are all very good things and sure signs that spring is finally on its way here.

Maybe I am putting the cart ahead of the horse a little bit, it is just the first week of March and Mother Nature loves to drop some white, fluffy, cold stuff on us when we least expect it. She’s a bitch that way. One day it can be 50 degrees and sunny and the next its snowing and school gets cancelled. But that being said, we are all thinking spring and enjoying some warm weather again.

My husband and I had a large brick deck added to our house late summer last year but because of Covid and some other things going on we really didn’t get the opportunity to spend a lot of time outdoors entertaining on it like we usually do. Over the past few weeks I have been dreaming of ways to decorate the deck. I’m thinking a big outdoor rug with pretty colors to match the outdoor pots I purchased in Wisconsin last year. I’m also thinking one of those wicker swinging outdoor chairs that hangs from its own support pole will be my spot, with a glass of wine of course, and enjoying the sun. I ordered some colorful candles to put on the outdoor bar that will match the rug. We are ready to go!

This past Sunday I got up early and poured myself a big cup of coffee and walked into the family room to let the dog out one of the sliding glass doors that leads out to the deck. The dog grabbed his favorite toy and headed outside. I took a big sip of coffee and looked out at the deck. That is when I saw it, dog shit. All winter we have let the dog out the same sliding glass door. In the beginning of the year, the dog went around the corner and did his business. As winter moved on and the nights got colder and we got more, and more snow the dog went shorter and shorter distance away from the deck. Soon Cerberus didn’t know where the grass started and the deck began. Our rather spoiled three headed dog that guards the portal to hell (Cerberus, look it up) was too cold, or too chicken to take a piss or a poop off the deck any distance.

Everyone who has a dog knows this feeling, the (literal) Shit! I have to clean up dog poop feeling. During the summer I kept up well with picking up dog shit outside although I did not like it, who does. Still, who wants to walk through your yard and step in shit, or see shit, or smell shit. Hot shit, by the way, really stinks which I think is kind of also funny considering the people I know who think they are hot shit, clearly are not, but in fact do stink.

I think I still have a few weekends of thinking about picking up the shit before I actually have to pick it up, but still its there. Every time I look outside I see it and there is a lot of it! Some of it is in the grass, but some of it is on the deck too. My husband hates that there is shit on the deck by the way and really wants me to go out and at least push it off or pick it up. I keep saying I will, but haven’t. Yuck. I could hire someone to come out and pick it all up for me, but the idea of paying someone to pick up the shit of my dog just doesn’t seem right. Maybe I can train Cerberus to pick it up himself? Ok, probably not, but maybe its worth a shot. Maybe I can trade my husband tasks, he might be up for it (use your imagination wink wink). Or maybe I will just have to say shit in this article one more time, put on my big girl panties and some rubber gloves and get out there and do it! Shit…

C is for Christmas….and Colon Guard.

Photo by Hert Niks on Pexels.com

A couple months ago, I had my yearly physical. I dont know many people that love to go to their doctor, and I am no exception. I’m not going to lie. After I had my kids, I neglected myself for a few years. Kids are always a moms first priority and I felt healthy, happy and busy so I just never got around to going as often as I should. As they got older I got back a normal routine of going, luckily I’m a pretty healthy person. I think my love of rum is the reason why I’m so healthy, while the medical community is more inclined to go with good genes. Whatever.

My current Dr. is very funny and while I have only been to see her a few times we usually end up laughing about something that is going on in my life or hers. It was time for my yearly physical and since I’m well past the having babies age this Dr. usually does the whole physical. At the end of the check up she sat me down and gave me “the talk”. She told me that because of my advanced age (advanced??), she told me it was time for a colonoscopy. I pretended like I didn’t hear her. What? I said. She asked me if I ever had one before and I told her that I did the little envelope thingy that you put in a vile and send it in the mail. “Yes”, she said” but what about the big one?” After a size joke, ok maybe two, I had to admit that I never had that one before. After she explained that there was a larger version of the little envelop one, I told her I would “think about it” and let her know if I was going to move forward with the test or not. Of course a couple of months later I still didn’t plan on doing it. Kind of grosses me out thinking about it even if it is way better than the normal test.

With the strange Christmas we are having I have purchased the majority of gifts, if not all, online. Amazon or UPS has been coming to my house everyday for a month now. Each time either myself or some other member of the family has taken the package and placed it in our living room un opened. If however, the husband gets the gift off the porch usually there is a comment about how I’m doing my part to stimulate the economy or something like that. As with most the husband says I just ignore the remark and move on to the task at hand. It was kind of a new Christmas game for me, guessing what is in the package, but not opening it…. cuz then I have to wrap it, right? Then putting it in the pile with the rest of the Christmas gifts.

Fast forward to a couple of days before Christmas and I have to now wrap all these gifts. A couple gifts at a time and several trips upstairs later I brought all the boxes and bags up to my bedroom so I could sit on the floor and wrap them. This was going to take a while, but again, it was kind of a fun game. Guess what is in the box. But now I can open the box and see what is actually inside it. As I opened the boxes I occasionally would be surprised, but usually checked off the item of my gift list in my head and moved on to opening the next box.

I came to a white box, almost perfectly square, it had some weird logo on it but other wise it kind of non- descript. I picked it up and started to open it. I knew exactly what this was, the battery operated sterilizer for a cell phone that I purchased for my slightly germaphobe husband to disinfect his phone, truck keys, or whatever else fits in it. The box didn’t seem to have an easy way to open it. The box had no tape on it and instead was shut glued tight. I fiddled around with a couple sides of the box and there appeared to be no way to open it. Finally I got to the side of the box with the shipping label on it. Looking closer I found a perforated tab to pull and open the box. I pulled the tab and opened the box, still thinking that it was the sanitizer. Once the box was opened there was some instructions on the top that I came too first. I lifted them off and looked at the contents…

It was some sort of white plastic container wrapped in plastic. I thought to myself that I thought the sanitizer was black, but moved forward. As I pulled out a couple more items I realized that this was not what I thought it was at all. I picked up the instructions, put on my reading glasses, and took a look at them. Turns out this was the a bucket… for the home version of the colonoscope that I had talked to my Dr. about a few months earlier. Well this was a let down for sure! I looked at the instructions. Basically I need to put the small bucket…. someplace… and hover over it and… well…. poop in it, then I have to put the cover on and mail it back to wherever it came from. So when I do this, what if I miss? What if I cant go? I have so many questions. None of which have to do with Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone. Hope everything comes out ok!